Trivia NYC/DSO Media

Since we’ve discovered that Andre is not just a posing provocateur but an actual repeat felon who’s done hard time (if six months at Rikers counts, and that’s hard enough), his rages on the show have taken on a fresh new patina. Of course, the show is done taping, so we’d probably have known if any actual killing had happened (”The E! Insider reports from inside the house! This is just like some movie where someone gets murdered, except there’s more blood when it’s real! We bring you Brad and Angelina’s reaction to this horrible crime after the break!”), but still, it’s something I’m keeping in mind as we move inexorably forward into the abyss that is the tensest episodes of the show.

We open to Andre, now all alone in his room, having lost both Victoria and Mandy Lynn as flatmates early on, and also having driven off anyone who might have wanted to share with him. In everyone’s absence, he’s turned his bedroom into a Shrine of the Vanquished. “I got a problem. I got a big room, and I got no roommates,” he half-kvetches, while bringing a lava lamp in from someone else’s room and rearranging things to accommodate the new setup. On his mirror hangs a few artifacts, like scalps: Erika, Mandy & Victoria’s name cards and a handwritten farewell note from each of them to the whole house, and which Andre took for himself. He’s barking like a great Siberian Husky at his latest victory, and by “victory” I of course mean “they’re still culling the slowest in the herd, so he’s safe until they have to start making value judgments based on personality, unless he decides to slaughter a pig to assert his alphahood.” And by barking, I mean literally barking. “Woof! Tonight, we dine in hell!”

The thought of Andre watching 300 and masturbating furiously at the raw unbridled machismo of the various stabby underpants men is, well, no surprise at all to my subconscious.

Daniel & Lisa are rehashing the fight that happened earlier that day. Okay, Daniel’s talking about how he totally stood up to Andre while Lisa is staring vacantly into half-space. “That’s why I never got my apology, that’s why, I was like…he went in my ear, and was screaming in my fucking ear? And I’m willing to be okay if I got some kind of apology, but I got nothing! If you’re truly sorry, truly sorry, for something, you take responsibility for your mistake…” Shut up, Daniel.

Jesse & Torso Rachel are having a mutual cry session on the bed after being called out by Mary Alice at the end of the last episode. Jesse: “Mary Alice tells me that I don’t have a work ethic, and that she’s not sure what kind of model I’m gonna be? The fact that she didn’t even give me credit for the fact that I am working out hurt me a little bit.” It is true, he’s been up before everyone else every day and right on that treadmill. He should have lost some pounds from the worry alone. If Mary Alice isn’t giving him credit for it, maybe she doesn’t know about it, or she’s ignoring it. One of the dirty little non-secrets on the show is that Mary Alice isn’t the swiftest cheetah in the pack herself; if it weren’t for her experience, she herself could be struggling through eight slices of chocolate cake before her high-impact aerobics tryout.

“Crying you have to, that’s hurt.” Torso Rachel says, and her even-more-than-usual fractured syntax is mitigated by the fact that she too is weepy, for the exact opposite reason. She daubs pointlessly at the corners of her eyes. Every tear she secretes cuts her body weight by one-third, so nothing’s coming out.

Back to the kitchen, where Jesse is the topic. Pickel, Andre, Lisa & Brett are having a civil conversation. For once. Pickel: “He’s a funny guy, I just think it’s nature taking its course. I mean, he’s gay, he’s black, and he’s overweight. You know he has insecurities about one of those things.” (Another unshocking reveal moment there. I missed the segment where Jesse came out; he was ogling the girls and the boys pretty much equally in Episode One. Just saying.) Andre comes back with the obvious: “Sure he’s insecure, not because he’s gay or black, but because he’s fucking fat.”

The infamous moonlight/Angeleno Skyline transition to next morning. Andre looks like he’s pushed two beds together to make himself a king size sleep arena, where he can dream of violating yaks for sport and pleasure, and killing capitalist pigdogs in the name of the Motherland. The new bathroom codes are dates. Andre’s is “US Independence Day,” which of course he has to pretend he doesn’t know, even if he did. He wakes up Angela, who wanders over to the bathroom, grouchy, squinty and croaky-voiced, and punches in the code for him, before going straight back to bed. Whatta mensch.

Four hours later, when everyone’s up (VJ looks like he just finished screwing a certain scrawny long-waisted dim bulb, and is about to hit the shower, but everyone else is dressed), the Daily Challenge arrives, and Lisa reads.

Good Morning, Models!
They say you learn something new every day. I hope you all paid close attention in science class, because your knowledge will be put to the test in today’s Edge Challenge…

Torso Rachel: “My grade in science was actually, good? Probably because I cheated off someone.” She tries to blink, and one eye only goes down halfway. She’s like one of those sleepy-time dolls with the eyes that close when you lay them down, except the eyes always get stuck on something inside the skull and only close halfway and it winds up looking like Baby Snookums had a stroke or something.

…Divide yourselves into teams of two, and choose your teammate wisely, because one of you is going home tomorrow night!

Everyone pairs off. VJ makes a beeline for Jesse, and Jesse decides why not, though his reasoning of “VJ’s a pretty smart guy, so I figure if we prep together, it can’t do anything but be good for both of us.” I have to admit, I’m not sure which VJ he’s referring to there, because the VJ I’ve been watching on the show is just smart enough to be stupid. He does have the best pecs on the show, though, and he does have that fresh-fucked look, so maybe that influenced his decision.

But then VJ reveals something: “I think people would assume that maybe Rachel & i would pair up. I know better than that! I’ll pair up with Rachel in the bedroom if I feel like it, but in a competition, I’m here to win.” That something would be how pompous he really is. Or maybe the editors figured it’s time to cast someone as the conniving weasel, and this guy will do. Either way, Kid Macchiavelli is in the hizzy. (I think it’s worth noting that’s the second awkward reveal in the first eight minutes of the show. I’m starting to wonder how good a job the editors are actually doing.)

Angela gets Shut Up Daniel (that’s his name now), Brett & Pickel pair off, and that leaves Lisa, Andre & the two Rachels. It’s obvious no one wants to go with Andre, despite the fact that he looks adorable in his “Purple is for Thugs” t-shirt. Lisa panics and chooses Torso Rachel, who’s still hurt that VJ didn’t want to be her partner. That leaves Aussie Rachael, who has no science training but is at least sensible, to draw the short straw that is working with Andre. Maybe she, a non-American, can tame the savage beast within him! Or something.

The Judgment Room has been transformed into a Science Fair, complete with various 8th-grade level exhibits. They’re going to have to present various scientific principles, and they’ll be judged on the quality of the presentation and how much they actually understand what the hell they’re talking about. Ben Stein intones, ominously, “If these models can’t do it, it’s going to raise serious questions about their intellectual ability.” I don’t know. I’m kind of smart, but I haven’t seen the inside of a science class in a while neither, and if I drew the wrong experiment, I could go off the rails here myself.

They pan across the line-up of models, and none of them look happy with this. Jesse is eating a protein bar. Or at least I hope it’s a protein bar. If that’s a Hershey product, then poor Jesse isn’t doing so good after all. (In fact, if Mary Alice is thinking Jesse’s not serious about losing weight, maybe it’d be best to keep the eating, regardless of the type, upstairs. Hoover that shit back when you’re not in front of her, and maybe she’ll get that you’re making an effort. Knowmsayin, dawg?)

While the camera captures blank face after blank face, Mary Alice introduces the celebrity guest judge of the day, Bill Nye the Science Guy. He arrives to much cheering and whoopery. Angela and Brett both gush about watching him as children, and for their sakes I hope they’re not just bullshitting for the camera. Bill will help judge the science fair, as well as keep each team “on track, so that your presentation will be confident and charming, and we can all, dare I say it, change the world!”

I suspect the great Bill Nye will have to, dare I say it, change his expectations. He’s used to teaching science to small children. These people are, dare I say it, slightly less fast on the uptake.

They draw their topics at random from a bowl. Brett & Pickel draw “Newton vs. Einstein.” Andre & Rachael get “Density Flow.” Shut Up Daniel & Angela get “Solar House.” Jesse & VJ get “Volcano, baby!” Lisa & Torso Rachel get “Magnetic Levitation,” though neither of them have a clue what it is.

The criteria for this challenge? Accuracy of the presentation, quality of visual aids, and grasp of the topic. And, off they go, into the magical world of science!

Fortunately, each exhibit is half-made already, and each team got a binder with extensive notes as to what they had to do and what they had to know. I don’t know who made those, but I hope they got paid.

Pickel and Brett are trying to get the faintest grasp on Einstein. Their “kit” consists of a bowling ball and what looks like a ping pong ball. It looks like a straight gravity/mass discussion, although I thought Galileo worked that one out long before Newton did. But I’m not going to cloud this with extraneous mumbo-jumbo. That’s Bill Nye’s job. He whispers to them, “Nobody knows where gravity comes from. It’s still a mystery.” Well, sort of. Pickel is weirded out by him (they cut Pickel’s line with Bill making theremin noises through his nose), but we don’t find out how that ends, because he’s on to Jesse & VJ, who have that oldest of science fair staples, a papier-maché volcano. “What I’d like to hear is… oozing and explosive,” Bill says, this time in a conversational tone of voice.

Aussie Rachael eyes him warily as he gives a quick précis about Density Flow that befuddles Andre. At least Andre is admitting weakness to the camera now. He may yet soften.

Next, the Solar House. Daniel is excitedly watching Bill make more theremin sounds while Angela is giving the tiny prop house the once-over.

(Sorry.)Finally, Rachel & Lisa & Magnetic Levitation. Bill asks them what they know about Magnetic Levitation, and then just Levitation, and their looks stay blank, even when Bill resorts to his theremin noises to try and get them to change their expressions, which make Beavis & Butthead look like, well, like Einstein & Newton.

Rachel: “The more he talked to us, the more confused I was.” Underneath her blank stare, they play a dial tone. That’s just harsh. Not unwarranted, but harsh.

At T minus a half hour, Bill gives everyone one more pep talk: “I suggest you work on your presentations, you verbal explanations, and of course, your visuals. Let’s get out there, and, dare I say it, present to the world!”

Pickel let us in on their presentation, sort of. “We’re gonna do a little comedy schtick. I’m not gonna ruin it for ya, but…” he puts his finger to his lips, as if to shut himself up.

Andre is back in alpha mode. “Rachael, you’re going to have a bikini, and you’re going to have a bra. They said it’s about presentation, well, fuck this. We’re models.” Well, it’s one third about the presentation, but hey, that’s an easy way to 33% of the grade at least. That’s, um, that’s still an F. But go for it, comrade.

After a quick gratuitous shot down the rolling plain that is Lisa’s open shirt, we’re out.

* * *

After the commercial, they come back to Lisa: “I was ready to B.S. this project the whole way through.” Dear reader, if you’d like to venture a guess as to how well that’s going to go, you have enough information to do so now.

Mary Alice, Ben & Bill Nye come back from whatever they were doing for the last two hours (whatever it was, I bet Mary Alice didn’t have much to offer the conversation, and given that she usually has a drink when she’s on camera, I’m going to assume she’s half-lit at this point) and announce that it’s time for the presentations.

Lisa & Torso Rachel go first. This ought to be good. They bury their faces in their notes, unable to decipher even their own sentences. “There is the electric … dynamic suspension. That is basically … the opposite of … electric … matic suspension…” Lisa jumps in, like a boulder tossed to a drowning swimmer. “The train from like here to Chicago, like, all of it’s not working, as it goes, it, y’know, turns on the, y’know, whatever.”

Pickel marvels: “It’s like Tweedledee and Tweedledum. Is it a circus? If it’s a traveling circus, they’re gonna win.”

Next up is Pickel and Brett, dressed in high-cut slacks and off-kilter ties. They’re doing a little sketch as Einstein and Newton. Well, it’s something different. Why the hell not. Although making fun of how scientists dress and act might not be the best tack when two out of the three judges are science majors, but hey, I’m not the model here. I just type.

Pickel’s Albert Einstein is appropriately disheveled, and although Brett’s Isaac Newton has a little alfalfa cowlick and sounds a little, well, Jewish, no one’s giving out Tonys for this. It’s all about the comprehension. Ben plays acting coach for a moment: “This is like a Yiddish theater production. You know, a little schtick goes a long way.” They go over fairly well, and despite the choppy edits, it sounds like they at least have a grasp of physics between them.

Andre & Aussie Rachael come out from behind their display, and they’ve changed into some very skimpy clothes that show off their naughty bits fairly well. They’re wearing as little as possible, and everyone’s surprised, or maybe just jealous that they hadn’t thought of this first. What, use my looks to get a better grade? Unpossible! Brett is impressed, but VJ, who’s having his weasely side showcased this week, calls off camera for them to get “an automatic fail. Judges? Anyone? Anyone?”

(Bueller? Bueller? He didn’t even go there, the one time it would have been appropriate? Oh, they forget their Ben Stein humor so soon.)

Back in the room, Ben gives a saucy wink, because now that Mandy Lynn has left the show, he’s single again, and Bill Nye, the children’s show host, has, dare I say it, changed his face, into an expression I’ve never seen before. This is Science Guy In Lust.

All three on the panel may be impressed (Actually, so am I; after this show is over, please have Aussie Rachael washed and sent to my room), but then they actually had to make their presentation, and their grasp of the subject sounded minimal at best.

Still, it was better than Jesse & VJ’s spot. VJ wears these knit caps everywhere he goes, like he’s ready to go to a Jamiroquai concert at any moment, and Jesse looks to be wearing multiple layers of sweaters and soccer jerseys and turtlenecks and longjohns and maybe a bear suit without the head. Both their slumped postures do not exude model-caliber confidence in their subject, and that lack of confidence is justified. They don’t have a clue what they’re talking about, and Ben’s ready to cut to the demonstration fairly quickly. Their plastic volcano takes a minute, but it soon erupts. And erupts, and erupts, covering the floor with foamy Pepto-Bismol-colored goo. Between that and the Rachael/Andre bikinifest, I’m sure the VH1 pointyheads are at least happy with the visuals, though I wouldn’t want to be the guy who has to mop that mess up afterward.

Daniel and Angela go last, doing a project on the Solar House. “It’s somewhat complicated. How do I explain this, so people don’t get bored?” Shut up, Daniel. He & Angela manage to get the basic idea behind photovoltaic energy and how a solar cell works across, though, and everyone is appropriately impressed. Lots of blank stares from the other models (Torso Rachel pretends to fall asleep, or maybe that’s not pretending), but Ben, Mary Alice & Bill all seem quite happy with it.

Without a break, Ben goes straight into the grading of each project. Lisa thinks she & the Torso got a C, but Ben gives them a D+, which was actually kind of generous as they had no clue and no interest. Next up, the Comrade from Russia and the, um, Comrade from Australia. No one on the panel understood why they came out in their underwear (Bill Nye drops some Nelly like Galileo dropped a orange: “You could have tied it into, you know, it’s hot in here, the sun is beating down, and I’d like to take off all my clothes…”), but they got a C.

(Who cares about these marks? No one’s grading this crap on a bell curve or anythng. There’s a winner, maybe a loser if you feel the need, and that should be it. Why drag this out? I guess I never really understood the American Theater.)

Mary Alice was impressed (sorry, “mesmerized”) with Brett and Pickel’s dork dress-up exercise, and Ben gave them an A- for comprehension.

We knew Jesse & VJ wouldn’t fare as well. Ben: “I didn’t think I learned a damn thing I didn’t already know. So I’ll give them a C-.” Jesse’s baffled at the concept that Ben doesn’t know everything about everything. That’s not how smartness works, kiddo.

Ben, to Angela & Daniel: “I thought this was the essence of what this whole show was about. You both looked great, and I thought this was brilliant, just brilliant, and I gave you an A+.” Applause all around the room, and Daniel is smiling so hard the corners of his mouth are meeting at the back of his head. “Ben’s compliment made me feel like a million dollars! Or should I say, a hundred thousand dollars! Hee hee hee!” Shut up, Daniel.

So as the winners of the science fair, they win a box of tanning lotion from Mystic, which will come in very helpful, as they’ll be doing a tropical photo shoot by the pool later on.

Jesse knows the axe is on his neck: “I made it this far because of my intelligence, but if can’t win this competition with my smarts, my ass is grass.” He doesn’t know the half of it.

* * *

Everyone is bronzing down. A slightly excessive montage of Pickel, Brett, VJ and Andre all rubbing down their abs with oils, lotions and emollients goes on while everyone on the show gives their opinion of how great they’ll do in voice over. Cut to Jesse, shot at belly-level, looking at himself in the mirror, holding an unlit cigarette. That shit’s just cruel. I mean, I’m in about as good shape as Jesse, and I don’t feel out of shape. Maybe I am. I sure could go for a burrito right now. Mmmmm, burritos.

Lisa: “I really got to give it my all in this callback challenge. I know I didn’t do well on the science project,” she says, forgetting that there was another person on her team who also didn’t do well, “so I really want to nail this photo shoot today.” She is on thin ice, and she has to look good, which is why I’m wondering why she’s wearing a mismatched bathing suit. Not only do that red top and those black bottoms not go together, they also do her overtall hipless self no favors. If it’s so important, make sure your clothes at least match, lady.

Everyone gathers in the Judgement Room. Mary Alice explains, talking very slowly, like she’s been drinking for four days, which, well, wink wink: “Okay you guys, so in today’s Callback Challenge, each team will be making an ad for a mock sunless tanning lotion called Bronze-O-Matic. The slogan is ‘Bronze-O-Matic - We can make Any. Body. Look Good.’” By the end of this speech, she’s literally out of breath. She should add a shot of Red Bull to her next round if she’s going to stay awake through the rest of the show. Gotta pace yourself, gurl. Drinking constantly without getting lushy is tough. I know.

I know.

She brings on the tanning expert, who belongs to Daniel and Angela (Apparently they didn’t just win tanning lotion, but a full tanning booth, while everyone else has a table of various household items from which they are to make their own homebrewed lotion; this should be good), and then they’re all given a third subject on which to test their concoctions.

Mary Alice, clearly delirious: “Please say hello to the nerrrrds!”

Yes, a raft of World of Warcraft players comes in. Why any of them would volunteer to be on this show is beyond me, but what the hell. Not all of them are ugly, in fact some of them are better looking than the so-called models, but a couple of them are relatively, um, untouched by sunlight, and they’ve clearly been coached to not make eye contact with anyone. Or maybe that’s just how you get if you stare at a computer screen for too long. (What? What?)

Poor Lisa & Torso Rachel get the hairy one. They complain, because it’s funny watching the stupid make fun of the hirsute. The hairy one is as hairy as I am, so they’ll get no sympathy from me, thank you very much. Also shut up, Lisa, and put on some matching tops & bottoms, alright?

Everyone has an hour to make up some tanning lotion from the butter, baby oil, vaseline, cocoa, tea bags, iodine, household cleansers and whatever else, and apply it to their subjects for the photo shoot that’s coming up. Pickel & Brett drew a rather comely subject (there are two women among the nerds, so they tried) who looks good in a bikini, so they lucked out slightly, but the big winners were Rachael & Andre, who wound up with a antisocial adonis. Seriously, the guy should switch places with someone in the competition. Anyone. He looks like a smarter Ashton Kutcher. Nice work, casting. Way to level that playing field.

Handy Tip! Baby Oil & Iodine works perfectly fine as a homebrew quick-tan solution. Just don’t get any in your eyes.

And, they’re off. Everyone starts dumping things into bowls to try and make some tanning solution that’ll work on their pale subjects. The cocoa, placed there as a red herring, seems to have caught everyone’s eye, but it is kind of harsh. (Jesse & VJ are frantically rubbing the stuff on the their blonde subject, and she’s wincing at how rough and painful it is. Jesse grabs at an upside: “Hey, at least it’s exfoliating.” “Yeah, true,” she says, though all three know it’s not.)

Lisa & Rachel decide to shave the hairy one. None of the nerds are given names, they’re just nerds. He’s got the center hair-part and the heavy lids of a chronic slacker, and he can’t believe his luck at this turn of events. He happily agrees to be completely depilated by these ladies, because hey, that’s officially like getting to second base, right? He crows, “I’m a furry, furry individual!” while slouching further to hide his boner. “Pretend it’s a dog!” Torso Rachel says, right in the poor guy’s ear, and it’s clear that not only are all nerds not created equal, but being a nerd doesn’t mean you’re necessarily all that smart. Unfortunately.

Andre & Aussie Rachael are out by the pool with their hunk. Andre is in alpha mode: “I want you to go in my room, and get a sock, and I want you to put his balls and his penis in it,” he says to Rachael, who just turns and stares at him. “We don’t have to–” “Shut up. Do as I say,” he continues, showing the guy how to position his leg so that his twig & berries don’t show.

Rachael brings a sock down, and gives it to Andre, because it was his idea. But again, Andre comes up with the idea, and after that, it’s not his problem. “I’m not touching his fucking dick, you crazy Australian!” He says, seemingly afraid he’ll Catch The Gay or even just get an accidental boner.

Erections are a sign of weakness, don’t you know. It’s scientifically proven.

The guy puts the sock on himself under a towel, and everyone’s as straight or gay or whatever as before. No harm, no foul.

Daniel & Angela won the Edge Challenge, so they get the pro tanning setup. Their guy, “Steve,” is a scrawny long-haired blond dude with glasses and a sunken chest. He might be the whitest guy this side of Marilyn Manson, but he’s got a big smile, and clearly he’s game. They throw him in the auto-tanning machine while the Mystic representative explains how wonderful this thing is and why you should be honored to fly to Malibu or wherever and blow your kids college money on darkening your complexion a few shades for a day at the beach. Steve is so white, though, that they have to run him through it a half-dozen times just to get a tan line across the top of his underpants. It really does look like he’s walking through a car wash in his underthings.

Brett & Pickel drew the hot nerd girl (”Genevieve”), and they proceed to slather her with cocoa and vaseline, which they’re insisting looked good, though it seemed a little splotchy even as they were applying it. Then it dried, and the splotchiness became a terrible mess. She wound up looking like she’d just gotten out of the mud pit at Woodstock or something. They took a pretty attractive girl in a bikini and turned her into Nissel of the Mud People. She clearly isn’t terribly freaked out. All the nerds have obviously been briefed to just play along and pretend this is a big ole goof. Good thing.

Lisa & Torso Rachel’s formerly hairy subject is now “lotioned” up, and he looks, well, like a burn victim. Lisa has the decency to apologize to him, but he’s just Encino-Manning it on, brother. Jesse & VJ have the same problem. Everyone went for the cocoa in the mix. Why did they do that? You didn’t need to make these people into Wesley Snipes, you just had to give them a frigging tan.

Finally, the mixing and application session is over, and everyone meets out by the pool. Next up: the photo sessions.

* * *

Mary Alice introduces the photographer, “My good friend Melissa Manning,” who’s shot at breast level so she looks even more large than she otherwise would be, and you know, her obesity is almost welcome after this endless parade of scrawn and protruding bones. Mary Alice bites her tongue about the quality of the tans she sees in front of her, and goes back inside to crack the seal on another bottle of Champale.

Pickel & Brett go first, putting their mud-splattered subject in a sun hat and making her “Queen For A Day” while they play her pool boys, fanning her and catering to her. Remember, the idea is to create an ad for this fake tan that can “Make Any Body Look Good,” and even with the horrible tan (Brett: “At least she smells good. Mmmm, chocolate cake!”), they have a lot to work with. She mugs it up for the camera, tossing her hair and crossing her legs in various ways.

Lisa & Torso Rachel pitch Encino Man as a bartender while they stand in front, their stilty legs making the bar look like a giant letter H that this guy is hiding behind. Torso Rachel brings some unintended truth: “It’s fair to say that me & Lisa aren’t all that great in the smarts department, but our bodies are sick.” I’m just quoting them. And agreeing with them.

So they, dare I say it, change the shot!, and get rid of the bar, going through a sequence where he’s lying down and they’re literally stepping on him before they decide on a chest-up shot with the three of them on the edge of the pool instead. Geometry was the only thing they had going for them, and they got rid of it.

Unlike everyone else, Aussie Rachael & Andre actually take advantage of the attractiveness of their subject, pitching him as a Greek God. They’ve wet-combed his hair and gone light with the oil, showing off his naked, gleaming and relatively cut body on a rock with them leaning adoringly against him. Rachael kind of freaks out at how close to his crotch she’s getting, but honestly, she could do worse. And probably will.

Jesse is pitching their model as a Tara Reid type living it up, partying with the champagne and the hunky dudes. VJ isn’t buying it: “He’s talking about the Tara Reid vision. I don’t see it. Our model is nothing like Tara Reid.” He speaks with absolute certainty, like he’s already fucked Tara Reid, and this girl is nothing like her. How nice of him to turn heel. The show needed that.

VJ continues: “I definitely have a strategy. Jesse doesn’t have the best body. If that means that I gotta be in front of the photo, to make sure that I get a good shot, then that’s what I’ll do.” The montage of Jesse, in a t-shirt over another t-shirt, off to the side of the shot while VJ is front & center with not-Tara-Reid pouring champagne down his chest, bears this out. Jesse: “I do feel like I could be a little more in focus, a little more in the picture, and so I’m wondering if that was a little bit of trickery there.”

Angela and Daniel are going for something even more playful with their properly-tanned model. Remember the old Coppertone ad with the dog pulling off the little girl’s suit? That’s the feel they’re trying to recreate. They know that his tan didn’t really take, but after going through that tanning washing machine contraption a half-dozen times, he does at least have a tan line, so they’re going to take advantage of that by pulling his drawers down enough that you can see it. It kind of works. Angela: “He wouldn’t normally be hanging out with people of our caliber, but because he’s got this tan, now he’s cool enough to hang out with us.”

People “of your caliber,” Angela? What’s your caliber? Unless you’re talking about the caliber of your tan, and you do have a natural genetic advantage on that front (I’m just saying), then okay. But I suspect “Steve” will have ten times your net worth inside of twenty years from now. If I was a betting man, I’d go there.

I’m just saying.

The photo sessions over, Jesse is upstairs venting to Andre about how VJ made him look bad. Andre: “I don’t appreciate snakes and cheaters,” he says, leaving the question as to what other kinds of nogoodniks he can appreciate open for discussion. “Really, really messed up, VJ. Really messed up, bro.”

Now, if Andre was smart, he’d let VJ be the snake he is, and take some of the focus away. Andre can still be Ivan Drago, but with a second heel in the mix, he can stay on the show and mess with people for a while longer. I doubt that’s going to happen, though. The editors would not foreshadow this heavily if there wasn’t a confrontation on the way.

Judgment Room time. The models all troop back in to look at the finished Bronze-O-Matic ads. (The nerds seem to not have been invited. That sucks. They were part of this project too, weren’t they?)

Pickel, Brett & “Genevieve”’s mud shot is first. Mary Alice: “What happened with her tan? I mean, it is so bad.” Brett tried to explain, but it was just poor ingredient choices. Mary Alice makes something up about how they played away from their strengths and put the weakest link in front, and everyone smiles and tut-tuts, and moves on to Lisa, Torso Rachel & Encino Man’s shot, which looks even worse: “It looks like he has some kind of rash!” Everyone is laughing now. Maybe it’s best after all that they let the nerds go early. They don’t deserve the mockery going on here. Mary Alice, wobbling, asks them: “Again, your bodies! Where are your bodies?” Torso Rachel makes up a lie on the spot about how their faces were wrong in every body shot, and then to the camera: “I’m just really disappointed in myself, because this would have been the shot, that, would have, brought me, in, to the competition.” The editors punctuate her lines with a bicycle bell when her right eye blinks. Synchronizing to both would be too difficult. It’s good that they pick a side and stick with it.

Andre has had a string of luck today. First, he winds up with the best contestant in Aussie Rachael, and then they get the hottest nerd, and then their shot is judged immediately after the two worst pictures of the day. (It’s almost, and I know this isn’t the first time I’ve said this, like they planned it this way.) Their shot is great. He looks good, all the lines are sleek and strong, the nerd-model is definitely the center of the shot but the two of them are framing him nicely, it actually looks like an advertisement. For perfume, not tanning lotion, but still.

Daniel & Angela’s Coppertone-ad tribute is next. Mary Alice snort-laughs into her hand, and compliments both Daniel & Angela on their great bodies, which I thought was a given. Everyone except Jesse has a great model’s physique at this point, right? If that’s all she’s got, it’s almost like saying nothing. But what do I know.

Next picture comes up, and it’s VJ, Jesse and Not Tara Reid. It turns out the staging was even worse than it looked from the earlier footage; Jesse is out of focus and almost off the left edge of the shot, and VJ is in the center, in the light, with Not Tara Reid literally hanging on to him like a backpack. How does Jesse get that far away from the center of the picture and not say anything?

Mary Alice calls him out for it: “This was an important challenge for you, and you really let VJ take over the photograph. I don’t know if that has to do with VJ, and VJ kind of sabotaging you, because it really is all about VJ, VJ’s smile, VJ’s the life of the party, VJ has champagne all over him, and I really wanted more of Jesse.”

Intercut this speech with various shots of Andre, shifting his weight back & forth, clearly unable to hold his tongue. We go to break just before this episode’s great confrontation.

* * *

Rewind 15 seconds or so into Mary Alice’s above-transcribed ramble, and Andre can’t hold it in. “Why don’t you tell her what you told me?” Mary Alice wheels around with a wry smile on her face. She totally knew this was coming. “Tell what, Andre? Go ahead.” Jesse, who seems to understand playground justice better than Andre does, clams right up.

Andre tattles on VJ: “He sabotaged the photo shoot. He came right in and told me,” he said, referring to VJ and Jesse, respectively. (To the camera: “I had to defend Jesse, because I’m a Leo, I’m a King, I need to defend people who can’t defend themselves.” Apparently, that also means he has to get into fights that aren’t his. I thought the weak of mind and spirit were supposed to die, Sir Galahad. When did that change?) “It’s a competition! He picked the weakest link for a purpose, because if anything goes bad, he’s not gonna be the one that looks bad!”

VJ, standing right beside him, turns to look at him. “Just one second.” Up comes the index finger.

Now, I’ve been in a lot of bars, as a bartender, a bouncer, and most of all a patron, and I know that discussions can get awful heated, but as long as the index finger stays down, the chances of anything physical happening are relatively low. Once the finger comes up, it’s time to get out of the way.

VJ, to Andre, with finger: “Just one second. Never, ever put any words in my mouth.”

Mary Alice has been in a few bars too, and she tries to take the focus back with a little homily about how this is a competition and no one can trust anyone else, but no one’s listening. Andre seems bewildered at VJ’s anger. “No, it was him! He! He told me!” He said, pointing over him at Jesse, who’s whistling on the corner like the bus out of here can’t come fast enough. Mary Alice smirks: “…because VJ made his body look good, and no one else’s,” she says, suppressing a belch.

She picks Andre & Rachael’s Adonis shot as the winner, which means Rachael has finished first or second three weeks running. I suspect she’ll start being attacked, or at least antagonized, a bit more moving forward, if any of the models are smart. (Yeah, I know. If.)

Andre’s happiest to have beaten Daniel: “Angela and Daniel had the Edge, but the winner is… Soviet!” (…and Aussie! Only one of which is still actually a country! But yeah, sure!)

Upstairs, Andre and Jesse continue their conversation. Andre: “I don’t know what to say, bro.” “There’s nothing to say, but hey, I feel like I’m walking to be executed. I’m walking to be viscerated, and I’m like, what do you wear?… It’s like Marie Antoinette.”

“What?”

“Like Marie Antoinette, going to her own beheading.” I would never have expected those two to bond, but Andre admittedly doesn’t have a lot of social choices. They share a heartfelt moment, and then we go to the elimination scene. Back to the Judgment Room, everyone does their catwalk walk while the ominous music of elimination plays.

Torso Rachel and Lisa both feel they’re on thin ice, and Pickel is aware that he & Brett didn’t do a good job on their shot neither, but at least he’s optimistic that they’ll get another chance. For the first time this season, I don’t think any of these people are wrong.

* * *

Ben & Mary Alice rehash the news that Andre and Aussie Rachael are exempt from tonight’s purge, which was a good thing as they stunk out the Science Fair. Though really, there’s no way either of them are going home. There are at least three people who are leaving before Andre is even considered, and Rachael has got to be one of the favorites at this point. (I hope she got that nerdy guy’s phone number. They’d look good together.)

Lisa & Torso Rachel both get called down. Mary Alice puts on her maternal-concern face: “I have to say, I was lost for words when I saw that picture. You didn’t work your bodies, you didn’t work well together…” Ben: “and obviously, not blowing anybody’s brains out at the Science Fair competition. It’s hard to imagine Zillard or Fermi or any of the great nuclear scientists ending their work on the Manhattan Project by saying, ‘pfff, whatever.’ ” (Gratuitous Torso reaction shot: “Well, pff, come on, whatever. You know what I mean.”)

Jesse (but not VJ, of course) gets called down, for the third time in a row. “Jesse… I think you’re probably a great actor. I’m not so sure you’re a model. You’re not acting like a model!” She praises his flamboyance, but clearly, she just hasn’t taken to him like everyone else on the show has.

She shifts the focus back to Lisa, who should be a fit model, but hasn’t shown any of that ability so far, and especially not today, where she hid her strengths. And she’s not taking the brains part seriously at all. And Lisa is Claudia Schiffer, Rhodes Scholar compared to Torso Rachel, whose allure eludes me completely, and whose intelligence is nowhere.

But they’ve decided, and it’s been only more clear since VJ boxed him out, that “…like the audience who witnessed the swan song of the corpulent soprano, Leontyne Price, in 1997, Jesse, the fat lady has sung.” Wait. That doesn’t even scan. The audience is the fat lady? And Leontyne Price wasn’t that fat. Did he go to her because she was black and large? I mean, Deborah Voigt would have been a more relevant choice, skin tone aside. She was too large to do her job, she lost a ton of weight, and went back and has now become a great success in her chosen profession.

Am I overthinking this? I might be overthinking this. Maybe.

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